Just Another Mother

About a month or so ago I was asked to speak on the topic of motherhood to the young women in my ward at church. It got me all excited, energized and emotional (obvi). Here are a few of my thoughts and experiences on the whole ordeal. And with Mother's day just being around the corner it seemed fitting to post..It's kind of a small time line of my life so it may sound really narcissistic and for that I apologize.

I recently heard a new young mom being interviewed on TV. The interviewer asked if motherhood was everything she thought it would be? She responded with, “The lows are a lot lower than I imagined and the highs are a lot higher than I could have ever imagined.” I completely related to her statement. Then later, thinking back on my teenage years I thought, gosh, that is a lot like being a teenager too! It's funny I still so often feel like a teenager inside.

Last year, I had just moved to Pasadena from a small town in Mississippi. My husband started dental school, and just 8 weeks later I delivered our 2^nd daughter, Ivy. I didn’t have any family around. I didn’t have any real friends. I was tired and completely overwhelmed with all the unfamiliar, crazy transitions of my new life.

A few days home from the hospital, I was tending to Ivy when I walked into the living room to find Scarlet (2 years old at the time), not just coloring; but completely scribbling on our-new-to-us couch in black pen. Do I need to say this was the nicest couch we have ever had?

In that moment I reached an ultimate low. I grabbed her hastily by the shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes and angrily shouted, “Why, why did you do this to my couch?!” As her big, bright blue eyes filled with tears, I knew I had just damaged her precious, innocent spirit. We both cried together for a while. But, I wasn’t done being angry. I called my little, (smarter) sister bawling. I asked her if this is what Heavenly Father wants, then why does it have to be so hard? We cried together as she understood my pain. She wisely told me she didn’t know, but counseled me to go and pray. I took a few deep breaths and knew she was right. I did pray, and I asked Heavenly Father why does it have to be so hard sometimes? The answer came to me: it doesn’t have to be.

If you guys are anything like me, then you know what it is like to complicate things, put unnecessary pressure on ourselves, compare our weaknesses to others strengths, to have to learn the hard way, ext, ext. The answer the Lord gave me was simple, “It doesn’t have to be.” If we do things with faith and simple obedience we will not get caught up in making this life harder than it needs to be.

Awhile later, after I had asked for forgiveness from Heavenly Father for freaking out on Scarlet, I gathered some energy to go clean the scribbled pen off the couch. I grabbed a damp cloth and began to see what cleaning the damage would entail. You can imagine my surprise when the pen almost instantly and immediately wiped off. I didn’t need to scrub hard, no soap was even necessary. I sat there and cried giving thanks to my Heavenly Father for the tender mercy. I often think back to that afternoon, the lessons I learned are profound and the symbolism is so strong. All Heavenly Father really wants us to do is try. And He knew I was trying, and He blessed me for it.

Teenage years: The blast from the past

It seems to be an unfortunate theme for me that in my life I made things harder than they needed to be, especially as a teenager. However, I did make a few good, right decisions. I came from a family that didn’t have a lot of money, and I knew at a very young age my dreams of going to college were not realistic. I knew if I was going to make it in this life, I needed to learn a skill to be able to support myself. When I was 16, I applied to attend Beauty School during high school. I had always loved the beauty industry and it was an easy (second) choice for me. Children and families were not really on my radar, I was more interested in making a career for myself and earning money.

Now, I know many girls chose to go to beauty school and it may seem like “an easy way out of college” but I was determined to make more of it than that. I started working in the salon at 16; and I knew I had found a purpose and identity. I graduated from Beauty School a few weeks before I even graduated High School. I worked my butt off. I started out at the bottom, just like everybody else and after a few years I was working at a very high end salon, making great money, traveling to places that the salon paid for like New York, California and Canada. The opportunities provided to me from doing hair, seemed endless. I mean who doesn’t want to get all dressed up go with to work with your best friends and make people feel beautiful all day? I loved that time in my life and cherish the fond memories of my workin’ days. One things for sure about being a teenager, is the decisions you make now will affect the rest of your life good or bad.

Love and Marriage: Seal The Real Deal

You know how when you are a teenager and you daydream about things like, “I wonder what my husband is doing in this very moment?” Well my husband was sitting behind me in my 10^th grade math class. If someone had told me at that moment that I was going to marry Wesley Wermuth, I would not have believed them. That geeky kid who always asks to barrow a piece of paper, but can’t even look me in the eye? Well ladies, he turned out to be the man of my dreams. We were set up on a date shortly after he returned home from his mission, and the sparks flew. We had a magical time falling in love. We chose to get married in the Mesa, AZ temple.
There were times as a teenager that I doubted I would get married in the temple, at times I made choices that led me in a different direction. I am here to tell you I would not be as happy as I am today if I had not changed my mind and ways. The blessings of a temple marriage are endless and tangible.

Motherhood: Becoming who I am supposed to be.

I always knew I wanted kids, yet at one point (even after I was married) I told a friend, "I know I want kids, but I don’t want them to like define my life." How embarrassing that in my immaturity I bought into what Satan was selling about Motherhood! I know Motherhood isn’t the most glamorous thing in the world. I mean I’ve been pooped on, peed on, and thrown up on...in public....at the same time! (Jk on that last one.)

I've already touched on some of the challenges motherhood can bring. However, it is also made up of these wonderful,celestial-like yet everyday moments. (Here’s where it might get a little cheesy, but hey, it’s truth.) Moments like when your brand new baby looks you in the eye, and you know you’ve already met. And you know she is meant to be part of your family for eternity. And then she winks at you, just to let you know she was thinking the same thing. Moments like the other day when Scarlet and I were driving somewhere together, just the two of us while Ivy was home with Wes. Suddenly, Scarlet sees the most adorable dog, it was a darling little Pomeranian. She pointed the dog out to me and then sighs and says, “I wish Ivy were here to see it.” And my heart warmed so much, because I knew so very clearly in that moment she loved her sister and not only that, but that they are friends. Moments while driving in the car where we roll down the windows and blast Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer (all year long guys) and I watch Ivy fake sing along with her big sister, both at the top of their lungs. Moments when I am cleaning up the same monotonous messes and it feels so mundane, Scarlet holds up her top roman noodle and says, “Look mom, it’s like my hair.” And then I realize I don’t mind cleaning up the dishes at all, in fact I kind of enjoy it, because these meals bring us all together at the table and we are talking and laughing and I realize this is where the joy in the journey is at. Moments when Wesley pulls me in for a hug, tells me I am a beautiful mother and he loves me now more than ever. That moment where you applaud your child for their latest accomplishment and they beam with pride. Or that moment when I can look at my child and she doesn’t have to tell me what is wrong, I already know what it is, as if I can read her mind. It’s as if we are telepathically connected; but I know it’s more than that, I am their mother.

Deep down, I always knew I wanted to be a mother, a stay at home mother, and raise a loving family, just like my mom. I guess I couldn't deny the wonderful example she set. I worry all the time that I am not good enough, yet I do know that innate sense to nurture is there deep down afterall. Heavenly Father has blessed all women with it, if they try, and it feels regal, celestial even.

I also always thought I’d be helping these children figure out who they were supposed to be in this world. I would be the one shaping and molding them into the best human beings I could. Then, I learn it is exactly the other way around. They are defining me as I grow and evolve into who I am supposed to become, and that I want it this way; them defining me. No amount of money, no tip from doing hair (and I've had some really good ones guys) has ever brought so much joy, fulfillment and satisfaction. These are moments where all is right in my world, and I know I have a little piece of Heaven on Earth in my home. I am full of gratitude, so very grateful to be a woman, a wife and a mother. I am so grateful that I chose this life and worked hard for it, yet also knowing in many ways I don't deserve all this and perhaps there are others who deserve it much more than me. I am just so grateful to have the clarity and knowledge the Gospel brings. I love having the privilege of being a wife and mother.