I put Mia to bed at 7:30. When 9 o'clock rolled around and I could still hear her talking, I decided to march up to her room. I was all ready to give her the, "MIA IT IS TIME FOR NIGHT NIGHT" speech. But instead all I could do was laugh because I found her naked (with her diaper on fortunately). I laid her down in her crib to put her jammas on and she was reaching up to me saying, "Hug, hug, hug" I smiled and I felt like I wanted to cry happy tears. What a special moment for me. So I gave her the biggest hug ever and rocked her for a minute. I am pretty good at cherishing the moments when I get to rock her. It makes me feel like a Mother.Mia has a bee pillow pet. She is very attached to it, among other things like her blanky. Anyway, her pillow pet got a hole in it and she has been taking the stuffing out. I have put the stuffing back in a couple of times, with a mental note to stitch up the bee. It's hard because she is so attached that I never really get the chance to take it from her. It's the same reason her blankies are so nasty and dirty. So when I laid her down for the second time, I decided that I had had enough because she had pulled about half of the stuffing out this time. So with a sobbing Mia I told her, "I'm sorry honey, but I need to fix him." Downstairs, I added some stuffing and stitched her bee up. I sat there thinking, "I wonder how many times I will have to stitch this dang bee up?" But then I decided that I didn't care one bit because, it made me feel like a Mother.
As soon as I finished, I took the bee up to her, buttoned up her pajamas one more time. And what do you know, she finally fell asleep.
My thoughts turned to infertility (as they often do) and I couldn't help but long for the chance to be a mother again. I know it will happen someday but it's so hard not knowing when. It's so heartbreaking when everywhere I go I see pregnant moms or newborn babies. It makes me feel sad knowing that I haven't gotten another chance at it yet. All I can do right now is be grateful that I have a little girl who gives me hugs, and pillow pets to stitch up, because feeling like a Mother is the most amazing thing.
3 comments:
Oh man, I am tearing up. That was beautifully written. I have been trying to cherish those Mothering Mom moments, too. I do believe waiting trials are the hardest, like we've talked about. Especially waiting for someone you love, like a future husband or child. I think you are doing a great job as a mom, and I'm feeling inspired to be better! Love you so much Mich!
Oh Mich, this was so sweet. I can see her now not wearing her jammies being a stinker. I should adopt this attitude and try and look at more of these mothering tasks with love in my heart for the opportunity to do them. Just cherish your little girl and try and enjoy her and your life while you are "waiting". We never know the Lord's reasons for making us wait until the trial is over. I love you so much and it hurts my heart to know you are so sad. Hang in there!
Oh Michelle. I love you sooooo much! Like Tara I am typing through my tears. I wish that I had done better with my mothering moments. You girls are so much more successful at it. Heavenly Father will bless you. Only its on his time table. Sometimes that is a very difficult thing to accept. That little blog makes me want to try harder. Love you so so much Michelley!
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